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Sometime in 2005

U.S. Government Hands Out Billions of Penises

No bull! Just bullion!

Buffalo penis revealed


What was this in my pocket? A new nickel, with Jefferson's head so swollen that it wouldn't even all fit on the front of the coin? I guess the U.S. Treasury was doing to our coins what it had been doing for the past few years to our bills: enlarge the graphics, think outside the box, make things bigger. Moderner.

Then I flipped the coin over and saw the buffalo. Very humpy. And then my middle-aged eyes blinked: what was that between the buffalo's legs? A scratch? An error? Gasp -- a PENIS???? I got out my middle-aged bifocals and had a closer look. Yeah, that looked like a penis, all right. Exactly where it was supposed to be. Pointed in the right direction. But I am so used to having penises censored, dicks denied...

As soon as I got home, I had to check to be sure. I walked in the door. I took my clothes off. (I always take my clothes off as soon as I can after I get home. First things first, eh?) I rummaged around and found my photographer's loupe. I slipped the nickel under it, held it to my eye...

Ta da! Yes! It was the buffalo's penis! A real, live (well, not literally live), properly proportioned, properly positioned PENIS! One that John Ashcroft actually didn't have time to cover up before he left office!

Not all that long ago, penises on animals were everywhere. If there was a public statue of a horse, chances were at least 50/50 that it had a horse penis. If you looked, you would see it. Tiger statues at Princeton University had penises and testicles (it used to be an all-male school and the tiger is Princeton's mascot, right?).

In Europe, it's still that way. In the United States, it seems, it's not. I haven't done a formal survey, but the increasing desexualization of American culture has resulted, I believe, in the censorship of penises on statues in public spaces. Make 'em female animals. Keep kids from ever having to learn about penises. Keep adults from ever having to think about penises.

In Europe, boy dolls have penises. Small ones; indistinct ones. But they're there. Strip a Ken doll naked and you find, of course, no penis. And we're suprised when our kids grow up and expect to be in a penis-free world?

What would people say if we censored breasts the same way? If we insisted, at the Academy Awards, that actresses wear dresses that concealed, as much as possible, the simple biological fact that women have breasts? People would be outraged. Feminists would complain that such debreastification reflects society's desire to keep women's sexuality under control (well, most feminists would). But is anyone complaining about the depenification of our society?

So congratulations, U.S. Mint! Thank you for taking a stand in favor of biological reality! Thank you for putting penises in our pockets! There are over 300 million American citizens out there, and if you've minted at least a dozen nickels per citizen, that means there are literally billions of government-created penises in our pockets.

I don't know when I've been so proud to be an American!

So how did someone get away with this? Who drew up the design? Who looked at it? Who approved it? Who signed off on it? Who inspected the master dies used to stamp out the final product?

Whoever it was, he or she deserves a medal. A big, bold, beautiful medal. Preferably one with a big, bold, beautiful penis on it. I'd pay taxes for one in a heartbeat!

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