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Naked Teens in Brattleboro!

Will Western Culture Survive?

Brattleb oro teens

Reported not ON THE SCENE by JIM W.

October 2006

No, Western culture will not survive. A few teenagers in Brattleboro, Vermont, decided that it would be kewl to hang out naked in the middle of town. Starkers. They did this for a few days, the Associated Press found out about it, they sent a reporter and a photographer, and the rest is history.

Every schoolchild knows what happened next; they learned it from their history books.

The Dr. Phil Show sent a camera crew, which tried to get the kids to walk naked past some little old ladies sitting at a bus stop. "No," said the kids. We don't want to do that. The Dr. Phil crew made a couple of other suggestions. "No," said the kids. We don't want to do that, either.

Well, then, what DO you want to do? The Dr. Phil crew had come all the way from Someplace Else and they didn't want to go home with no controversial footage. No jail time! No civil disobedience! No outraged little old ladies! No story! No ratings!

It turns out that some of the guys wanted to talk about their rock band. It turns out that some people suspect that they did it all as a publicity stunt.

I don't know if that's true. If it is, it's a perfectly reasonable strategy for young, up-and-coming rock bands. Hey, Blink-182 has performed naked. Members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers have performed naked. If you do the right Google search you can find photos of Flea himself, 100% naked except for his guitar, and in one or two of the pix the guitar isn't even covering up his dick. One day, perhaps, Barenaked Ladies might actually perform with some bare-naked ladies (but don't hold your breath...).

So back to history. Dr. Phil's crew went home empty-handed. Their ratings tanked. Newspapers folded. John Ashcroft planned to stop by Brattleboro to cover up the teens and sell more copies of his book, but the weather had turned cold and there were no teens to cover. So his book sold only a few dozen copies. The publisher had to burn the rest of the print run.

That touched off global warming due to the increased particulates in the air caused by the fires. So New Hampshire and Vermont had a warm winter. Their ski industries nose-dived. Prevailing winds moved the particulates southeastward and changed the climate in the South Atlantic. The Gulf Stream changed course. Great Britain and northern Europe went into a mini-Ice Age. Nokia's cellphone factories froze in Finland. BMW factories were shuttered. The Swiss had to stop making watches. And without Swatch, the M Series, ski resorts, and cellphones, billions around the world decided that life was not worth living and committed suicide.

If you are reading this, it means that civilization DID recover enough to reestablish the Internet. If you are reading this, it means that there is still hope -- especially if you learn to speak Chinese or Korean. If you are reading this, you might be able to find the archives of a newspaper which printed photos of the naked teens. If the right Internet servers have been resuscitated, then you can actually see the naked teens at the top of this page.

But let this be a lesson: Nudity kills. Flee -- flee Western culture and all that it represents. Flee to Singapore, where by law everyone has to wear clothes! Flee to North Korea, where everyone has to dress like Kim Jong Il! Run for your lives -- the nudists are coming!

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